


Silent Tears

by Ohlittlelovely



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Implied Poe Dameron/Finn, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Out of Character, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragedy, Unplanned Pregnancy, first fic in a long time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 01:25:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9469316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohlittlelovely/pseuds/Ohlittlelovely
Summary: December 26, 2015 was the day everything changed.Rey was abandoned at an early age. After marrying the love of her life Ben Solo she never thought she would have to feel that way again.





	1. Hard To Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> This story is just a series of journal entries. 
> 
> No Beta. Sorry if it is a piece of crap!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On December 26, 2015 just hours after finding out his wife was pregnant Ben Solo was involved in a car accident and died. 
> 
> Once again Rey was left abandoned.

January 2, 2016  
It's my fault he's gone.

 

January 5, 2016  
I hate it here..

 

January 17, 2016  
I'm supposed to be using this a grief journal. I'm supposed to be writing my pain away. As if writing a few entries will suddenly replace the conversations we used to have. I miss him in more ways than I can count. Without him my lungs haven't felt full, like I can't take a breath deep enough. 

January 18, 2016  
Everyone thinks I'm crazy for the way I've reacted. I didn't cry, I didn't scream. I stopped talking. It’s not that crazy when there is no one left to talk to anymore. I don’t understand what they don’t comprehend when I lost him I lost a part of myself and no one seems to understand. The doctors say I have abandonment issues because my parents just dumped me in the middle of no where.

January 20, 2016  
Luke tried to save the day by saying Ben lives on inside me. With our baby. Leia and Han can only nod, they don't talk much when they visit. They also don't know how much I hope for a baby that looks like me so I don't have to be reminded of him everytime I see our child. I couldn't handle resenting our baby, and I fear that if it looks like him I will come to hate them for the constant reminder that my husband is gone.

 

January 23, 2016  
Finn and Poe came to visit me today. Apparently I am doing quite well. The doctors are happy I have finally started talking to them. While Finn is my best friend, Poe is far more understanding.  
Finn never liked Ben, he never gave him a fair chance… He avoids talking about him like the plague. I don’t know if that is for my benefit or his.  
Poe told me I should be getting out soon, it seems I am no longer a danger to myself. He offered me place to stay in case I’m not ready to go back to our home. 

January 28, 2016  
Luke reminded me today that I'm not the only person who lost Ben. He said I should be kinder to Leia and Han.  
They don't know the night he died he going over to their house to announce the news of our baby. 

February 5, 2016  
I'm out of the facility, and decided it was best to go home. As a result I cried for the first time, I'm afraid if I stay here I might never stop. I'm moving in with Finn and Poe. Just for a few weeks.

 

February 14, 2016  
Ben,  
Yesterday Poe said if I wasn’t going to write in the journal like I was supposed to that I should write letters to you instead. Finn said he didn’t think it was such a good idea. That I shouldn’t dwell. They got into a fight, but today is Valentines day do naturally they made up.

Because that’s what couples do when one of them doesn’t die. They make up.  
I’m sorry I didn’t want to go to Leia’s. I just wanted to celebrate together. I wanted our moment.  
I should have been in that car. I should have died with you. I shouldn't be here.

I'm sorry I let you go.  
Happy Valentines day.  
I love you.


	2. Breath In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to be pregnant and feel so alone.

March 1, 2016  
I met a man at work who looked so much like you, but I still knew he wasn’t. His hair wasn’t long enough, his moles weren’t in the right places, and I imagine his lips weren’t as soft. I felt like I should kiss him just to remember you a little better.

  
I stopped myself from running up to him. I would not cry at work. I refuse to be weak

  
March 19, 2016  
Its a boy.

  
March 22, 2016  
A woman passing out bible pamphlets told me how lucky I was to be alive, I laughed

  
March 25, 2016  
My boss tried to touched me again, I told him if he didn’t stop I would tell my husband. He backed away.

He knows I’m lying.

  
April 17, 2016  
I felt our baby kick today and I decided enough was enough. I punched my boss in the nose when he tried to grope me and I moved out of Poe and Finn’s…  
Finn wasn’t very pleased with my sudden change in plans, and less pleased that I “assaulted” someone.  
Unkar Plutt deserved that punch I don’t care what anyone has to say.  
  
April 18, 2016  
Your parents told me about the money you left behind. They told me not to work so hard. That I should start working part-time.  
You will be happy to hear I listened… for once.

  
April 19, 2016  
I miss you.

  
May 3, 2016  
I've decided on a name for our son. Anakin Solo. I know you would have like that.  
It's getting easier you know. I still miss you more than words can describe but the air in my lungs has started to return. I can go through the day without crying at the thought of you.  
My therapist said I should focus on the relationships I broke after you died.

May 4, 2016

I'm going to have dinner with your family.

  
May 8, 2016  
Some days it's hard, like really hard. I think about being with you. I think about ending it all. About being with you.  
But could I cause that kind of pain to everyone? To Finn and Poe? To Phasma and Hux? To Luke? Leia and Han?  
I have to survive this. I have to be strong. For me. For them. For Anakin.

  
May 12, 2016  
Dinner went as well as you would think.  
You came up a few times, I told them about our baby’s name. They agreed you would love it. We were able to speak your name without the world collapsing, I think it's a good sign.

  
May 19, 2016  
Hux and Phasma came by today. I haven't seen them since the funeral. They said they wanted to come see me and my belly.  
I apologized for not calling.  
They like the name Anakin. Talking with them feels stiff.. Were we only friends because of you? We made a plan to have dinner in a few weeks. I should be in my third trimester then.

  
May 23, 2016  
I finally had the courage to call Finn today. I know he's been mad with how I left things. I held my breath the entire call waiting for him to tell me he hates me. Luckily he never did. We are going out for dinner tomorrow, I swear I am going to repair all these bridges I burned.

  
May 31, 2016  
I try to fight the thoughts. I swear I do. But sometimes those thoughts creep into my head. The thought of being with you again, no matter what the cost.  
I can’t let them win. I will beat this.


	3. Breath Out

June 15, 2016  
I feel so gross, whoever said pregnancy gave you a glow must have been talking about the sweat. I move too fast and I break a sweat. I walk a few inches and I sweat.  
I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Its days like today that I get the saddest, knowing you aren't here to experience this with me.

  
June 17, 2016  
I’m scared Ben. How am I supposed to do this without you? How am I supposed to raise OUR baby when you aren't here. I don’t know if I can do this alone. I won’t be a good mom. I never had a mom  
How can’t I possibly do this.  
Why did you leave me? Why?

  
June 29, 2016  
Today your family and our friends surprised me with a baby shower… And I know it sounds crazy but I felt you there. I felt you laughing and enjoying the games. I felt you holding my hand as I opened the gifts. You were everywhere today. You were in the conversation and not once did it defeat me.  
I know you are with me Ben Solo.

  
July 3, 2016  
Your mom and dad are throwing their annual 4th of July party tomorrow. And somehow I got roped into helping. So I will be there in all my almost 8 months pregnant glory.  
Look over us, okay and hope a firework doesn’t scare me into early labour.

  
July 8, 2016  
Braxton Hicks can kiss my ass.

  
July 12, 2016  
Even though I’m due September 9, 2016 but I honestly don’t think I will make it that long. Anakin is a mean baby. He loves punching and kicking my insides.  
I decided I want Leia to be in the room with me when Anakin is born.

  
July 18, 2016  
I asked Hux, Finn, Poe, and Phasma to be his Godparents.

  
July 19, 2016  
I’m so tired all the time, I don’t know if I want to laugh. I keep forgetting the simplest things, you mom calls it “Pregnant Brain” I call it irritating.

  
July 26, 2016  
I finally found this journal! Thank the maker honestly, I would lose my head if it wasn’t attached.  
I talked with your mom the other day and we decided she would come help the first few weeks with Anakin. Finn offered and as much as I love him he has as much of a clue about babies that I do.  
Ben, these are the days I long for you. I would rather you be here to help.

  
August 5, 2016  
Anakin’s nursery is all set up, thanks to Hux and Phasma. Finn and Poe decided that they would tackle setting up his second crib in our my room.Our baby is going to be surrounded by so much love.

  
August 9, 2016  
I can’t do this. I can’t have a baby without you. I can’t rasie a baby without you. I have no clue what in the hell I am doing.

  
August 14, 2016  
I miss you Ben. I’d give anything to see you again.

  
August 16, 2016  
I’m so scared.

  
August 18, 2016  
I told you I wouldn’t make it to September.  
Anakin was born 1:27 am on August 17, 2016. He is 6lbs 5oz and 21 inches long. He has ten fingers and ten toes. He looks just like you.  
And Ben, he is perfect in everyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo I'm a fan of sad stories. Sorry but it's true! Thanks for the read if anyone is out there!  
> If you love it, tell me!  
> If you hate it, I await your word punch!


End file.
